Mothers day.....For a long time it inspired thoughts of sleep-ins, breakfast in bed, lots of cuddles and lovely floral wrapped gifts. The reality for me and I would say a lot of Mum’s I know is quite different and I am continually surprised at how stirred up I feel when these days are approaching and arrive.
One part of me rebukes the consumerism and commercialism attached to not only Mothers Day but to Valentines Day, Easter and even Christmas but another part of me honours that traditions are important, marking special occasions is what makes us human, brings us together as families and I believe taking time to honour our roles as parents with Mothers and Fathers Day feels important as well. So I wonder how I can change my experience of these days so that my expectations are understood and in some way met?
One very simple way I think is to work out what I am actually wanting from this day and for me its really quite simple – its not about gifts, its about an acknowledgement of the work I do as a Mum day in and day out, yes a nice breakfast in bed or perhaps the dishes to be done and just some of the every day tasks handled instead of me having to do it all. Spending time together as a family doing something fun where I don’t have to pack a lunch and a million other things before we head off!
When I look at these things I realize they are in alignment with what I know to be my primary love languages. If you don’t know about Love Languages look them up! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
They are ways in which we both demonstrate our love to others and how we in turn feel loved and they can be a very handy way to open the communication lines when you feel there is a mismatch in relationships not only with partners but with kids and other loved ones.
My primary love language’s are “Acts of Service” and “Quality Time” so it makes sense that having these met in the sense of receiving would help me feel fulfilled.
There are 3 others languages which include “Receiving Gifts”, “Physical Touch” and “Words of Affirmation”.
My partners love language is “Words of Affirmation” and he is so good at giving me that, but because of my filter they don’t land for me as love, they fall short as lip service, and all he craves from me is exactly that which feels foreign and almost fake to me because I don’t value it! Once when I mentioned Quality Time to him he actually had no idea literally about what I was saying, it was such a foreign concept to him! So you can see how if we are miscommunicating with how we send and receive love then there can be a breakdown in feeling loved in a relationship and hence often expectations are not met on these special occasions where all we want to feel is honoured and loved.
The way we usually get around this is to communicate more clearly and this is something that is always a work in progress for me. I think in general women sometimes shy away from saying exactly what they want. Deep down we just want to be understood and to have our partners and loved ones to “get” what we want and then do it, but sadly unless our love languages match up, its not likely that this will happen.
What I also know is that my partner will do absolutely anything to make me happy, I just have to know what that is and then ask for it! And I can almost guarantee your men will be the same. The lesson for me this Mothers Day is to be clear within myself what I want and then to clearly ask for it. No convoluted messages or hints, just straight out expressing my wishes. If I then don’t get these expectations met, that’s when I can get annoyed but if I am expecting my partner and kids to be mind readers then sadly I will be left once again with unmet expectations.
Speak your truth ladies and men, life flows so much better!!! Do you struggle with knowing exactly what you want? If you do know do you have a problem expressing this? If you would like to get clearer on these things perhaps Kinesiology could help!
I am interested to hear if you struggle with days like Mothers Day? Or perhaps your partner and kids have you dialled? Have you heard of love languages before and do you feel there are relevant to you and your relationships?